my confession: unplugging is the path to serenity

I get butterflies in my stomach when I am nervous.  I always have, and if the butterflies are bad enough, I suffer physical side-effects like stomach cramps, voiding and insomnia.  I'm pretty sure I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder of some type, but it seems the cause is also the cure, making it very difficult to overcome.  I'm about to take you on a somewhat ugly venture into my psyche.  Maybe you'll recognize some of yourself in here, though, and contemplate what the effects of being plugged in all the time are on your mental health.

Sometimes getting butterflies make sense. It's that weird combination of nervousness and excitement before something *big* happens.  The night before I shoot a wedding or have a session with a client I have never met before, I am usually a total basket case, fretting about my lenses, my cameras, my discs, my computer, my external drives, and basically freaking out about all the little things that could go wrong like OMG what if my equipment fails or my car dies or I sleep in or I get sick or I break my foot...  These things are important to fret over - they keep me on my toes and help me prepare for the big day by ensuring that I have not overlooked a singe detail - but for me, it doesn't end there.  

Oh no, that is just the tip of the iceberg my friends... there are all kinds of stupid things filtering through my head that often cost me sleep, like OMG, what if I trip during the ceremony and make a huge crashing noise...  Yeah, what if, Hope?  I also worry about coughing, sneezing, and farting in the middle of a session, about having to pee at the wrong time, about not getting enough images, about failing my clients, about disappointing my peers, about embarrassing myself, about not getting sessions or images done fast enough, about my internal, external AND cloud back-ups ALL failing or being stolen or burning down simultaneously, about accidentally deleting something (or everything)...

And then there is the perpetual need to network.  To be in touch with the latest, to be hip, to belong to the right circles, to keep abreast of trending topics, to know who's in and who's out, who's hot and who's not.  Not being in touch with the community is, by all standards, often detrimental to your success.  As a photographer, it is absolutely necessary to have contacts in the industry who can put you in touch with second shooters, who can find you parts or lend you equipment when yours breaks, who knows where to find locations that clients have requested, who can answer your questions about how to improve your SEO results or debate whether to go cloud or not to go cloud...  And it is exhausting.

I worry myself sick, often to the point of losing sleep.  I'm sure I have some kind of photo-anxiety disorder.  I literally, physically, cannot shut my brain up long enough to sleep.  I struggle with the unrealistic deadlines I set for myself, I freak out when technology fails or works against me and makes me feel stupid or incompetent, I even fear when I am asked to send something in the mail because quite inexplicably going to the post office literally freaks me out, and I feel like I'm falling behind the rat race...

And then... and then...  

When I am behind a camera shooting, or in front of a group speaking, or teaching and sharing, there is this transformation, this total sense of calm that settles in and removes ALL the nerves.  For me, because I am usually so agitated, the calmness when I am in that zone is the "high" I crave.  That sweet bit of pure indulgence is the reward (and relief) from the terror and anxiety I live with.  Completely dissolving myself in the moment and living, feeling, being completely submerged in my own creative catharsis, surrounded by countless scenes filled with countless muses is the only relief I get from this weird anxiety.  And while one might be tempted to say, then walk away, when I try to... I just feel bereft and empty and stripped of my passion.

For me, photography is the ability to indulge in the kind of pure imaginative play that children so easily engage in when they are very young but gradually lose as they reach puberty and often completely forget by adulthood.  While I might sometimes wish to be rid of the anxiety it gives me, I also think losing the butterflies would cost me the rush of soaring with them each time I get my finger on the shutter and release all that pent-up energy, and I live for that rush.  My other release is, of course, writing.  Hence, this post, as in the past 3 weeks I have experienced a higher than usual degree of stress and frustration.  I look at some of the notes I have sent my clients and think, Gosh they must think I am losing it...

~~~

About every other year I get the urge to throw in the photography towel.  Many of you have followed this pattern over the years and probably wondered why I go in and out of retirement all the time.  I've been giving this some serious thought lately, as a few issues with outmoded software and hardware have made me feel like I'm just not up to the challenge anymore and can't keep up with the new kids anymore...  Social media doesn't help with these feelings of insecurity and anxiety - I am perpetually bombarded with a never-ending stream telling me who got published, who is travelling to a great workshop or convention, who won an award, who landed a juicy CD cover, who got a new studio space, who filled their entire 2014 wedding calendar...  I find it difficult. No, impossible.  Impossible to not get sucked into the stories and start feeling very inadequate and defeated despite the fact I am, for the most part, working at capacity, haven't entered any contests since the 90s, and probably have a handful of accomplishments that make someone else feel like I am the Joneses they are trying to keep up with.  But it's so easy to lose sight of that when I am drowning in a sea of things that are not important to me - things that in my life are nothing but white noise, minutiae, distractions.  SQUIRREL!

I wonder if anyone else feels this huge pendulum swing from one extreme to another with their photography, if others experience this same intensity or anxiety, or if I am just a freak of nature.  I like to fancy I'm not the only one who is affected this way by the highlight reel of social media.  This is the only way I can explain the ups and downs and ins and outs and subsequently the occasional need to take a leave of absence, to disappear, to put everyone temporarily on hold/ignore/disregard.  Sometimes, I just get so overwhelmed I need to step back and breath, hit the reset button so I can remember how rewarding the beautiful chaos of being a photographer is.  

That is my confession.  That is the messy insides of my brain.  Take it for whatever you will.  

~~~

While my perspective is that of a photographer, I am pretty sure that a lot of us suffer this kind of anxiety in varying degrees.  We rely on social networks to keep us connected to family and friends alike, we get invitations to birthday parties and family reunions and BBQs, we learn who had a baby, who graduated, who died, and who got a new car, job, or house via social media.  We don't need to tune in to the news - someone is always updating their Twitter or Facebook status with everything from weather conditions to police reports and amber alerts to revolutions and political coups in other countries... and while there's that part of me that thinks it is so wonderful to be so incredibly and accurately current... I wonder how many of us are completely unaware of the subconscious toll it takes on us to be constantly "on."  I am pretty sure I come off as eccentric and disorganized and just plain weird or overly dramatic at times, and I honestly wonder if I need therapy sometimes.  Then, I turn off Facebook and Twitter for a few weeks, ignore my email for a while, stop cruising blogs, and find my centre again.

I am a social media junkie.  I am definitely the type who becomes so engrossed in the storylines that I find it impossible to disconnect and reset without being completely unplugged.  The past couple of years, instead of retiring from photography, I have simply started taking "social media" vacations.  I disable, log out, tune out, sign off, and come back refreshed and happy and feeling like I'm maybe not quite such a basket case.  

Because I am running My Edmonton Studio, I was contemplating not doing this for summer 2013, but I realized today that I NEED this break, and therefore I will be shutting down my Facebook and Twitter for the last two weeks of July and the first several days of August.  I am not unfriending anyone, I am not sick, I am not angry or missing in action, I am not having a nervous breakdown, I am just - unplugging.  

I will be updating this blog and responding to emails and texts, just like in the good old days... ;)