Can of Worms: Anything you can do, I can do better...

If you're a new photographer, here are some tips on professional courtesy and free advice about starting up.  If you decide to read the rest of this post, don't lose heart - that photographer friend you've been harassing doesn't hate you, they just need some space...

Your friends and family have been nothing but supportive of you since you decided to pick up a camera and pursue your dream and turn your hobby into a source of income that doesn't make you cringe when you think about going to "work."  They've watched your budding passion blossom into a thriving business and seen how genuinely happy you are doing it.  Then one day, about a year after you've finally got it almost mostly figured out, one of them comes to you and says, "I'm going to be a photographer now, too!"  They proudly describe their new equipment to you, which can cause either fits of laughter or fits of envy depending on what gear they've purchased.  They begin picking your brain and at first you kind of appreciate being the "expert" but then it starts wearing on your nerves.  Soon they start taking on "clients" (usually people you are both friends with or related to - maybe both) and before you know it they own all the same props, are complaining about the things you've known for ages and boasting about how much business they're generating, bragging about their first magazine or CD cover and how many destination weddings they've booked for the coming year... Their website is almost identical to yours - same kind of music, same template (maybe in a different shade of blue), same packages and pricing, same promotions...

On one hand, you should happy this person shares your passion.  I mean really, why wouldn't you be excited that your bestie can talk shop with you now, too?  And why wouldn't we all love to have a family member to refer clients to when we're too busy to take them on - nothing wrong with a little nepotism, right?  It should be perfect!  But in reality, you are hurt and angry.  You feel betrayed and frustrated.  Photography used to be YOUR thing.  How can you be genuinely happy for the person who stole your great idea and probably some of your clients, too?  What if they are better than you?  More successful?  You're shaken to the core and don't know what to do about it... how could someone you know and love destroy you like this?

Well, the bad news is, it happens to most of us. The good news is, there are things you can do to stop it, things you can do along the way to keep it to a dull roar, and things you can do to redefine the relationship if it's already gone too far.  I can't address every possible situation, but they're not entirely unique.  So, I'll give you a few tips based on my own experiences and a few twists shared with me by others.  The best news of all is that it all usually comes out in the wash.  Let's break it down.

First off, when this person buys their camera, avoid being jealous or busting out laughing.  Any wise photographer knows it's not about the camera - you're as likely to get your butt whipped by some talented wingnut shooting with a free camera out of a Cheerios box as to see someone with $10,000 slung around their neck who can't take a picture unless it's bright and sunny outside.  A camera is only ever as good as its operator.  Don't sweat it either way.

Now that this person is armed with some sort of instrument, the questions come rolling in. Emails, phonecalls, messages on your Facebook page.... My favourite has always been, "How do you make the stuff in the background blurry?"  I teach, so it's pretty easy for me to tell people they should sign up for tutoring or classes and I'm happy to share that information.  If you don't teach, and don't want to have your will to live sucked by this person, delegate the teaching to someone who does.  There are several avenues for photographer education - from workshops and private lessons to accredited programs through colleges and universities.  If you start handing out too many nuggets, when you finally tire of it you will have a hard time saying no without a) hurting this person or b) feeling like a big old meanie.  Save yourself the hassle and nip it in the bud early.  If you are already past the point of no return and have shared every tidbit you know, then chances are good you feel drained and used, and guilty for feeling drained and used.  Don't beat yourself up - you'll know better for next time.  Keep a list of local colleges and workshops handy as well as a list of books and websites you've found helpful, and pass the info along.  You'd be surprised how many people end up with a really expensive camera that collects a lot of dust when they figure out it's not the camera that's taking pictures.

If they make it past this point, it's wise of you to keep a list of business references handy, too, because as soon as they start (or while) they are figuring out their equipment, the next thing that usually happens is this person starts taking clients.  While they are "building their portfolio" they will continue picking your brain about locations and poses and add to that questions about business practices, insurance, and pricing.  Whether they decide to start off doing freebies, charging peanuts, at your price level, or at some outrageous amount that people in the industry for 40 years with entire housefuls of awards are charging doesn't change the fact that they will, at some point, end up shooting mutual friends and/or family whether they make a conscious effort to steal them away or the "clients" decide to try them out of their own volition.  Sure, you ought to be happy they are getting off the ground, but you also feel betrayed.

One thing you must learn to do in this industry is be very objective about this, because for as long as you are selling your services as a photographer, you will be in competition with other photographers.  You must make a very conscious effort to remove the 'friend' or 'family' label and call them "clientele," period or you will take every person who passes you up personally.  This only purpose this will serve is whittling away your confidence and affecting your self-esteem.  Remember that people hire photographers for any number of different reasons, for a variety of purposes, taking into consideration any number of factors.  There are some articles about shopping for photographers here and here and here, but to sum up, they look at a photographer's pricing, packages, experience, availability, style, and affiliations.  Often, your "clientele" will give the newcomer a bit of business NOT to turn their back on or snub you but to spread around opportunity, of course making the assumption you're OK with it.  Maybe your prices have doubled or tripled and you no longer fit in the budgets of some "clientele." Perhaps you're not available on a date they need and they figure they are doing YOU a favour by choosing to hire your friend or family member instead of an outsider.  Sometimes this person has a new or unique style that your former "clientele" likes equally or (gasp!) prefers.  Try and remember when you first started out whose clients you took, whether by actively promoting yourself, being available when someone else was not, or having a better price.  It makes it an easier pill to swallow - remember that when the honeymoon phase is over and this person has blasted through your entire collection of mutual friends and family, they will have to go out and develop their own clientele.  If they do a crappy job and have horrible customer service, they will fail.  If they are any good, they will branch out and hopefully be referring their new clients back to you when THEY are too busy.

I know this sounds weird, but being a little impersonal is sometimes the only way you can eventually find a way to be genuinely supportive of and happy for this person's continued success.  It will allow you to view reframe what sounds like them "bragging"or "showboating" to what is usually just them sharing their own excitement over new opportunities with you, their photographer friend, who must understand how very wonderful it is because you live it, too!  Watch their journey from a distance if you can, and try not to gloat when they make mistakes or pout when they win. Have a little confidence in yourself - if all it takes is one person to shut your business down, then you probably were facing inevitable failure anyways.  But assuming you have made it past all the nonsense, you will find that within a few months this person has defined their own style, revamped their website and pricing to reflect their own agenda, and you are both established with your own clientele.  You feel as confident referring this person out as they do passing their people along to you.  You have lots of shop to talk about, and will sit and reminisce when this person inevitably gets a stalker of their own, at which point you'll both laugh and have another glass of wine. Which you'll take a self-portrait of and write about on your blog.  (My amazing friend Christine wrote a great blog about moving forward called "The Road from Envy to Acceptance" that will put this into perspective even more. And make you dance, too.)

Now, there is, every once in a while, a Nasty McNastypants who comes along, who actively undermines your best efforts to be supportive and civil by being, well - just plain nasty.  These people go above and beyond annoying vampires.  Often, these people tend to be casual acquaintances - friends of friends - who have seen you around local gatherings enough to know your name and a handful of personal details like how many kids you have, when you fought with your spouse last, and what your favourite TV shows are, but don't really know you well enough to care.  From the fringe of your inner circle, they rape you for every bit of information you have under the pretence of getting to know you better and unapologetically ride your coattails until they can swoop in beside you to steal clients, hand out flyers to your brothers and sisters, offer to beat or match your pricing, spread rumours (or make up lies) about your personal life, and basically stab you in the back 16 ways from Sunday.  I have experienced this only once, but have heard some horror stories about this sort of thing happening repeatedly in smaller communities and rural areas where there are only a handful of clients to go around and everybody seems to knows everybody.

If you are like this person, shame on you - a business built on using others and resorting to deceit and trickery makes you a talented manipulator, not a talented photographer.  It'll all come back to bite you in the ass one day and while the nasty in you makes me hope the person whose life you made a living hell is there to catch it on camera, I actually just hope you learn how to be a decent person and make amends. But the sad fact is, some people are just selfish and ruthless and have no scruples or decency: they can and will do everything in their power to elevate themselves, including destroying whatever relationship they shared with you.  Things like this break my heart and make me sick at the same time.  It's counter-productive to make enemies in this industry - I've learned over the years just how important it is to have a solid support network of colleagues: to vent with, to celebrate successes, to bounce ideas off, to hang out with, and above all, to trust with a valued client referral and take over in case of emergency.  Sure, you can reschedule some things, but imagine the damage to your professional reputation not having anyone willing to step in if you had a family emergency or severe illness on someone's wedding day or for the birth of their child?  There's that saying, be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be attaches to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.  If these are your true colours, go be a black sooty rainbow on someone else's planet.

If you, beloved reader, are suffering with a person like this, my heart sincerely goes out to you. It's a horrible feeling to be stalked, copied, used, abused, discarded, and eventually badmouthed for no apparent reason.  There is a point, once you've exhausted your ability to be impartial, that you simply need to cut your losses.  Defend yourself and your integrity without lowering yourself to their level by engaging in the same types of behaviours, and avoid giving your frenemy ammunition to use against you at all costs.  If the situation warrants it, cut this person off completely.  Delete them from your fan page and mail list, block them on Facebook, delete their emails, and avoid saying anything to or about them in social circles.  Be as bored and detached as you can with everything about them, and when you hear they falter or piss new people off, nod and smile politely and say, "That's a shame..." and move on.  If you need to vent, vent carefully - pick someone in your very innermost inner circle who you know will not think you are being petty or jealous. someone who will validate your feelings and level you off instead of whipping you into a vindictive frenzy.  Meet toxicity with magnanimity and you'll always come out on top.

So, hopefully this gives you a bit of insight and something of a roadmap to follow if your emotions are running so high you can't think clearly.  Breathe, and carry on.  I promise that this, too, shall pass. If you have a horror or success story to share, feel free to post it in the comments - no names please! - or drop me an email h dot walls at shaw dot ca.  If you want to share this article, please link back to this, the original :)

muchLOVE,

Hope

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