gaining: serendipity

First, I have to apologize for not getting around to posting my exercise - we ended up at the Medicentre until 10pm last night and frankly I had no desire to pick up my camera. (Unbelievable, but yes, that DOES happen sometimes lol)

What I did instead was tie up a few loose ends, then dive into a book I've been reading for the past few days, slowly, because it takes time to digest. I had met with a dietician last week and she advised a couple of books for me. After my appointment, I headed off to the bookstore, intent on not wasting a minute getting started on the exciting plan she had for me (she was seriously SO awesome - I had NO idea a dietician could be that helpful!) I scoured the shelves, not finding the books I wanted, but spontaneously picking up a book that caught my eye, stuffing it under my arm and hoping I could cash in on the buy 3 get one free deal. Alas, the books I was supposed to get were not available. One would have to be transferred from South Edmonton Common, and the other would have to be ordered from the US ($$in hardcover$$) and would take several weeks. I started to put the book I had grabbed back, but I had a gift card, and said dammit, I'm buying this book. So, I did. It's like someone has written a biography for me.

The book is called, "gaining: the truth about life after eating disorders" by Aimee Liu, who wrote 'Solitaire' in 1979 - the first memoire of an anorexic. gaining hasn't offered any sage words of wisdom or fix-yourself-up tips (so far) but what it has done, for the first time in my adult life and since 'getting better', is show me that what I feel is pretty 'typical' for us. It doesn't make it wrong or right or good or bad. It just makes me feel not so alone, and not quite like such a freak.

It's both painful and funny to read, from where it describes us as constantly suppressing our feelings, willing to take on Herculean amounts of work to 'prove' ourselves, and unable to acknowledge our accomplishments to where it points out that a staggering proportion of us are still nailbiters after recovery, but of only one or two nails or the cuticles (I chew my thumbs, my best friend chews her cuticles...) It's like a whole new world of understanding has opened up for me. In particular, she has included the research of some of the planet's leading experts to support her very woman-to-woman conversational style that includes not only her own experiences, but those of over 40 others from all ages, races, and socio-economic backgrounds, which has put the book into a context that I can relate to both intellectually and emotionally.

The part where she describes in both a clinical and a personal manner the reactions ED survivors have to food, I actually laughed out loud - and read it to Bill, who wants to read the book when I'm done so maybe he can understand some of what I have endured, and am going through now. And I can't count how many times I've openly wept. It's been like opening old wounds to let the infection out - it hurts like hell, but feels immediately better (if not a bit raw and sensitive for a few days, hence, the slow pace at which I'm reading it.) The lifestyle changes I have been making in th last several weeks are exactly what I need to be doing, and because I am learning so much about the genetics, pscychology, and environmental contributors to eating disorders, from the perspective of a person who lived and lives it, I actually understand my gravitation towards and in most cases need to make those changes. Whether there are fix-you-upper tips at the end or not is irrelevant. This book has given me validation in precisely the way I needed, and so I know it was serendipity I picked it up off the shelf.

The review on the back cover says, "Anyone who has suffered an eating disorder will recognize themselves on every page of this book." That is an extreme understatement.

Comments

kate said…
I'm glad you found that book and that you are able to speak so openly about eating disorders. It's all part of the healing process. I can't say that any of the ED books that have been "prescribed" to me have ever had the effect that this one has had on you... so I look forward to reading it someday. Don't forget to remind me, ok?
Tanya said…
Hmm sounds like you were meant to find that book. Hope all is ok with the family.
kate said…
I just finished reading "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls". It wasn't an easy read, but it touched a lot on problems among adolescent girls... low self-esteem, ED's, drugs, alcohol, depression, suicide attempts. Main causes mentioned were family life, media, unrealistic beauty expectations and sex images. It wasn't a very encouraging book and made me even more concerned about my daughters, but it really is an important book.

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