defining happiness

One of the things I found very surprising about my Nohari window was the number of people who described me as 'unhappy.'  I suppose, based on posts in the last few days, it would be easy to come to that conclusion.  But it's possible to be unhappy with some aspects of our life, and completely happy with others, and one does not negate the other.  A generally 'happy' person is entitled to feel sad every now and again just as someone who is in mourning should be allowed to smile without fear of being accused insensitive.  Humans are complex creatures capable of several feelings at the same time.  I am going to share a bit of my private journalling.  Namely, I like to 'inventory' things.  The first such entry a couple of weeks ago was a simple list of feelings right before I decided to get pro-active.  The list goes something like this:

overwhelmed
panicky
frustrated
angry
confused
stuck

When I did the repeat version of it this Sunday, it went something like this:

motivated
recharged
clarity
frustrated
angry

Although there are 'negative' feelings listed, unhappy isn't one of them.  I personally think that it's entirely possible to have a lot of things going 'wrong' in your life and still be happy.  For those people (like 99% of you) who don't see me on a day to day basis, it would of course be very hard to see all the joy in my life.  I think that it's really hard to see all the aspects of a person's life when it is so selectively represented, as is the case with my eating disorder.  As I told one person who shared with me an intensely personal email about their own personal struggles, that one person alone made it worthwhile sharing what I am going through.  I suppose writing regularly about all those sappy 'happy' things just never crossed my mind.  So, for the record, here is the condensed version of my gratitude list (something I started doing years ago because of one of 6 Oprah shows I've ever seen lol) also written about two weeks ago, alongside my 'things to deal with' list.   The nice thing about having an eating disorder is knowing that it's all about control issues...  lol  (I've added in brackets the steps I have been taking to gain back 'control' of the things I was feeling like I'd lost control of.)

things that are overwhelming me:

housework, yard work (it snowed again, no use fretting over that, and we're down several laundry baskets already!)
weight gain (I've been so focussed on unravelling the mystery that I'm not obsessing over food at all anymore - funny how that works)
boys fighting (we're working on this... but really, does sibling rivalry ever go away? lol)
kitchen/bathroom renos (we've dealt with this.)
tax return not done (getting there.)
no time for friends (working on that - Bill and I have TWO dates with friends, one with mine, and one with his, AND I made a point of going for lunch with some friends, and popping in to say 'hi' to another this past weekend.)
client load (I have all my processing up to date, and am working on dealing with CDs and prints over the next couple of days)

things I am grateful for:

healthy kids doing well in school
amazing husband
renewed relationship with my Mom
photography
awesome friends and coworkers
great day job
boss and supervisor
house to bitch about
ugly van (paid off!)
sister coming home
my projects

Having been in a place of clinical depression before, I know I'm not there.  I do, however, recognize the warning signs of a crash.  I am grateful for having fallen on my face enough times to have developed this skill because it makes it possible for me to derail the negative thought process before it derails me.  Being overwhelmed and needing some help to get pointed in the right direction, and being AWARE of that, is miles from being unhappy.  I think we all hit points in our lives where we feel 'stuck' and something's gotta give, and the rest of the time life smoothly.  People don't usually sit around saying, "Gee, life is fantastic, I love my life, rah rah me."  If I sat and rah rah'd my life every day for all the wonderful things I have I would be considered boastful or arrogant.  Or inhuman.  lol.  People tend to speak out when they are in need of a place to vent, or seeking support or assistance.  Growing pains are a huge PITA, but not the end of the world, and certainly not the end of a person's happiness.  I think my husband and kids would be he first to attest to the change on my overall demeanor since I 'came clean.'  Denial (and trying to be WONDERWOMAN) was what was keeping me 'stuck', and now that all the skeletons are dancing freely about, their guard is down and I'm not really finding it all that challenging taking them out lol...

So my question is, what constitutes 'happiness' and at what point do you decide you are (or another person is) 'unhappy?'

Comments

Tanya said…
I got the unhappy thing to. I have to admit it kind of bugged me. BUT if someone only reads my blog than they may have no other basis for who I am, as I DO vent alot there and well to be honest last year was a tough year for us. But yeah kind of shocked me none the less.
Lynda said…
Personally I do not believe happiness is a "trait". It's an emotion and it's really not up to me to judge somebody's emotional being. (although I have to say to you Hope, I would never describe you as UNhappy, lol!)

So what is happiness to me? My dogs' tails wagging when I come home, my daughter's precious giggle, my paycheque, my boyfriend's hugs, being at the top of the first hill of a rollercoaster and the fact that I know my friends are always there for me. That's not all of course, just what I thought of off the top of my head. I'm a lucky gal.
alphonsedamoose said…
Ticblog; If I knew how to really define happiness, i would be a gazillionaire.
I know I am happy when I am with my wife and when I am with my family.I am very happy when I am with the little moose and can be a silly little boy with him.
Happiness can be so many things to so many people, I don't think there is one true definition.
I do agree with you when you say you can be a happy person and still be ad at times. That is what makes us human.
Babzy said…
I think Lynda is the only sensible person in all of blogland. "Unhappy" is not a trait. It's an emotion. Yay Lynda.

I also got "unhappy". I agreed because I have certainly expressed how sad I am. "Sad" wasn't on the list but it's also an emotion. "Unhappy" sounds judgemental whereas calling someone "sad" is more compassionate.

Happiness is a life filled with many joyful moments. Unhappiness begins with the decline or termination of joyful moments.

Complete unhappiness is when there is an absense of joyful moments including memories of them. Unhappiness is emptiness and hopelessness.
I don't know you well, but I would have never characterized you as Unhappy...honest, yes. You are just honest about life, which is refreshing!

I've learned a huge lesson over the past few years that just because the outside may appear perfect and blissfully happy, it doesn't mean inner happiness. Inner happiness can still be there even if circumstances in our life are painful. I have to remind myself often to seek joy in the little things!

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