love/hate relationships
There was a post over in the Booth that prompted me to write this post, about wasting time being kind to people you genuinely dislike. I suppose it's so close to Christmas that although I feel pangs of sadness that my family isn't closer, I also feel a sense of relief knowing I don't have to deal with the stress of pretending to be nice. Obviously, we all need to know how to get along. At work and at play, there will always be people we 'clash' with. It's a given - if everyone was exactly the same and we all got along, how boring would life be?
There are very few things good that came of my first marriage, other than my son, and experience learned (as per usual) the hard way. However, there is one thing I will give credit to my ex-husband for: he somehow managed to convince this bleeding heart to get rid of blood-sucking vampires with little or no guilt.
A scenario: I had a girlfriend who was an emotional leech. Every time she called, I knew I'd be on the phone for hours on end listening to her woeful tales of boys and financial hardship (which usually went hand in hand) and at the end of it, would usualy have to fork out $20 to $40 or I would have suffocating guilt knowing her kids went without milk and bread that week, or her phone was cut off, or whatever. Yes, I knew damn well that there was no guarantee the money would go to her kids, but being the maternal type, I was never one to pass up an opportunity to save someone. There was a certain sense of purpose I (somehow) gleaned from being the one everyone could lean on, rely on, come to with their problems, great or small.
On the flip side of this, was my desire to be 'liked' (or at least not get beat up.) I spent a lot of time and energy sidling up to the people I thought would somehow end up hating me if I didn't secure a spot on their good side. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, right? And so I would put up with all kinds of (real and perceived) abuse at their hands, thinking I was somehow being the bigger person. I was often therefore put in the position of scapegoat, and blamed for causing all kinds of problems - starting rumours, stealing boyfriends, breaking up friendships - even though more often than not, it wasn't until I was getting an earful that I heard anything about any of it. Then I'd do some peacemaking, patch everything up as best as I could, and wait for the next storm. All under the guise of being 'a good friend.'
When I had my oldest boy, I walked away from a lot of the drama. Most if it left me when I was no longer available to participate in the activities or attend the venues where the BS originated. But a couple of the cling-ons had their talons in me pretty good, and how could I possibly say no to a friend in need? In retrospect, I was being used. Willingly, albeit, but used, and often abused. When I married the X, he wasn't quiet about pointing out how gullible I was, or how useless my friends were. Initially I was very defensive of them. But as time wore on, and I settled more and more into being married with kids and a mortgage, the more taxing these people became on my time and resources. I don't even remember what the event was that turned it around, but I'm sure I remember hearing an audible clunk in my brain as that heavy little chunk of naivete finally broke off, and I was able to see, for the first time, what my 'friends' were really like. Trust me - once I stopped worrying about being 'nice' and 'civil' it was only a matter of time before they all dropped like flies.
Them: "Can I borrow $20?"
Me: "No."
Them: "But what about my kids?"
Me: "I have my own to think about."
Them: "Well, you're a bitch. It'll be on your conscience."
It wasn't. Oddly, it really wasn't. I don't even like confrontation, so instead of having to go through the conversations, I stopped calling, and stopped being available to take calls. Once I cut the dead weight out that way, I felt so unencumbered I continued on with family members I didn't particularly care for, family members who just clashed so badly with me that they made me feel uncomfortable in my own home when they would come to visit.
As it happened, my mother tried a bit of a Christmas reunion with one of the estranged Aunties a couple years back. Within minutes of her crossing the threshold of my home, I remembered why I didn't associate with her anymore. I was never good enough, and my children were too loud and childish... Well, OK - if you dislike me and mine that much, then why did you bother accepting an invitation? The other Auntie refuses to associate with my family because she thinks I am satan's right hand girl, with all these kids from different gene pools under the same roof. I'm a dirty whore, and our kids are guilty by association, tarnished eternally for having the bad luck to be born into my family. At least she has the decency to just put me on 'ignore' same as I do her. And as I do my now X-husband... (oh, the irony...)
We have precious few years on this planet, which thus far involves a finite amount of time and energy which we must spend wisely. And yes, some of that time has to be wasted on coping with people we don't necessarily like. But for the most part, it's really easy to set boundaries, and keep your friends close, and your close friends closer, and everyone else be damned - the ones who make you feel like crap, the ones who use and abuse you, the ones who aren't supportive of you, the ones who think you aren't good enough or are doing it 'wrong.' Be civil at work so you don't get fired, but don't waste time and go out of your way to be nice and don't waste energy being mean to people. Just walk away and savour the feeling of relief when you know you no longer have to deal with them.
Sometimes, though, people figure it out. Some of the people who I had to cut out, came back, shiny and new, looking for genuine friendship instead of a crutch or alternate bank account. Some of them were still caught up in rumours I had nothing to do with, which we can laugh about now. And there are a couple of friends I've had to go grovelling after when I've been a schmuck. With some clarification and a means and desire to reframe those friendships, I'm glad these friends and I have managed to reconcile - my life would be empty now without them.
There are very few things good that came of my first marriage, other than my son, and experience learned (as per usual) the hard way. However, there is one thing I will give credit to my ex-husband for: he somehow managed to convince this bleeding heart to get rid of blood-sucking vampires with little or no guilt.
A scenario: I had a girlfriend who was an emotional leech. Every time she called, I knew I'd be on the phone for hours on end listening to her woeful tales of boys and financial hardship (which usually went hand in hand) and at the end of it, would usualy have to fork out $20 to $40 or I would have suffocating guilt knowing her kids went without milk and bread that week, or her phone was cut off, or whatever. Yes, I knew damn well that there was no guarantee the money would go to her kids, but being the maternal type, I was never one to pass up an opportunity to save someone. There was a certain sense of purpose I (somehow) gleaned from being the one everyone could lean on, rely on, come to with their problems, great or small.
On the flip side of this, was my desire to be 'liked' (or at least not get beat up.) I spent a lot of time and energy sidling up to the people I thought would somehow end up hating me if I didn't secure a spot on their good side. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, right? And so I would put up with all kinds of (real and perceived) abuse at their hands, thinking I was somehow being the bigger person. I was often therefore put in the position of scapegoat, and blamed for causing all kinds of problems - starting rumours, stealing boyfriends, breaking up friendships - even though more often than not, it wasn't until I was getting an earful that I heard anything about any of it. Then I'd do some peacemaking, patch everything up as best as I could, and wait for the next storm. All under the guise of being 'a good friend.'
When I had my oldest boy, I walked away from a lot of the drama. Most if it left me when I was no longer available to participate in the activities or attend the venues where the BS originated. But a couple of the cling-ons had their talons in me pretty good, and how could I possibly say no to a friend in need? In retrospect, I was being used. Willingly, albeit, but used, and often abused. When I married the X, he wasn't quiet about pointing out how gullible I was, or how useless my friends were. Initially I was very defensive of them. But as time wore on, and I settled more and more into being married with kids and a mortgage, the more taxing these people became on my time and resources. I don't even remember what the event was that turned it around, but I'm sure I remember hearing an audible clunk in my brain as that heavy little chunk of naivete finally broke off, and I was able to see, for the first time, what my 'friends' were really like. Trust me - once I stopped worrying about being 'nice' and 'civil' it was only a matter of time before they all dropped like flies.
Them: "Can I borrow $20?"
Me: "No."
Them: "But what about my kids?"
Me: "I have my own to think about."
Them: "Well, you're a bitch. It'll be on your conscience."
It wasn't. Oddly, it really wasn't. I don't even like confrontation, so instead of having to go through the conversations, I stopped calling, and stopped being available to take calls. Once I cut the dead weight out that way, I felt so unencumbered I continued on with family members I didn't particularly care for, family members who just clashed so badly with me that they made me feel uncomfortable in my own home when they would come to visit.
As it happened, my mother tried a bit of a Christmas reunion with one of the estranged Aunties a couple years back. Within minutes of her crossing the threshold of my home, I remembered why I didn't associate with her anymore. I was never good enough, and my children were too loud and childish... Well, OK - if you dislike me and mine that much, then why did you bother accepting an invitation? The other Auntie refuses to associate with my family because she thinks I am satan's right hand girl, with all these kids from different gene pools under the same roof. I'm a dirty whore, and our kids are guilty by association, tarnished eternally for having the bad luck to be born into my family. At least she has the decency to just put me on 'ignore' same as I do her. And as I do my now X-husband... (oh, the irony...)
We have precious few years on this planet, which thus far involves a finite amount of time and energy which we must spend wisely. And yes, some of that time has to be wasted on coping with people we don't necessarily like. But for the most part, it's really easy to set boundaries, and keep your friends close, and your close friends closer, and everyone else be damned - the ones who make you feel like crap, the ones who use and abuse you, the ones who aren't supportive of you, the ones who think you aren't good enough or are doing it 'wrong.' Be civil at work so you don't get fired, but don't waste time and go out of your way to be nice and don't waste energy being mean to people. Just walk away and savour the feeling of relief when you know you no longer have to deal with them.
Sometimes, though, people figure it out. Some of the people who I had to cut out, came back, shiny and new, looking for genuine friendship instead of a crutch or alternate bank account. Some of them were still caught up in rumours I had nothing to do with, which we can laugh about now. And there are a couple of friends I've had to go grovelling after when I've been a schmuck. With some clarification and a means and desire to reframe those friendships, I'm glad these friends and I have managed to reconcile - my life would be empty now without them.
Comments
LOL!!
Merry Christmas and enjoy your family this year ... all to yourself!! * smooch *
So uh hey can I borrow twenty bucks? :p
Can I borrow 20.00 bucks from you too ?
Just wait let me ask Hope if I can borrow some money and i'll get back to ya! ;)
I used to think that if I continued to be polite and nice to someone who treated me like crap, they would come around and mend their ways.
But that's not how it works. I've learned that if someone treats me like crap every single time (we're all allowed to be cranky sometimes) but crap all the time every time, then I cut them off and get them out of my life. Life is too short to be around someone who just makes me feel bad no matter what I do.
I'll take a turkey.