happy holidays?

I've been having weird moments as of late. I had a little panic attack the other day, one that lasted only seconds, because I never asked my father what his favourite Christmas song was. (?) The other day I left my usual stack of 'to do' for the next day in the centre of my desk, and somehow misplaced an entire book. (!?) After two days of periodically ripping my office apart and being 100% positive I was losing my mind, one of the other profs walks around the corner waving that self-same book in his hand and cheerfully says, "Oh - I borrowed this the other day, I hope you don't mind..." (@^$%@&$#@%$#) There was almost bloodshed.

My mother said she thinks I am having a nervous breakdown. I think I'm just in the throes of a (fairly) typical holiday mental muddle. Here are some interesting things I know and/or have heard people complain about at Christmas:

People spend an average of about $900USD on Christmas presents, equivalent to the mortgage payment on a modest home. When you consider cheapskates like me spend an average of under $100, that means someone else spent over $1700 on Christmas gifts to bring my average up. Can you say HOLY CRAP? Factor in a new Christmas outfit, the cost of the Christmas meal, the electricity to run the lights on your house, and the gas to drive all over hell's half acre, and I guess there's a pretty good dent in a lot of 'average' people's bank accounts.

Most people will gather with family at Christmas, even if they hate their family. And love your family or hate them, someone is going to be in the kitchen preparing food all day long. Some people (like me) really like cooking. I know more people who hate cooking than love it. I always feel sorry for people who hate cooking get stuck hosting dinner for their relatives, especially if they hate their relatives. For many, these gatherings are usually planned several months in advance, and the earlier they are planned, the more time there is to stress out about it. If one of your relatives died in that calendar year, or you managed to get yourself a divorce, you get to spend Chistmas without that person for the first time at that first family gathering.

Christmas gets a little more insincere every year. I'd like to blame it on commercialization, but really, the advertisers only succeed if people are big enough suckers to buy whatever they are selling. Kids, in particular, are suckers - in spite of your best efforts to the contrary, they measure Christmas in terms of what they are getting, compare their gifts with other kids, and will be told they are loved less than the parents who got their kids got Xbox or Wii since all they got was a pair of new slippers made by Grandma and an engraved "your baby sister loves you" keychain.

Whether you like them or not, if you live someplace far from your family, some people will have to travel to get closer to each other, whether they like it or not. Hotels rooms, guests bedrooms, and the living room floor become occupied by the bodies of people who for the rest of the year could be perfect strangers for all you know, and living in close quarters can be very stressfull, especially if you have only one bathroom.

If you live somplace like Alberta, travelling at Christmas has a whole other dimension added to it: road conditions. Sure, driving 3 hours might be a pain, but it's worth it to see family, especially when you like your family and the roads are nice. Driving 3 hours through vertically-blown white-out snow across a polished ice highway from the freezing rain that hit on Christmas eve becomes driving 8 hours, with white knuckles, headache, and griping kids thrown in - not very pleasant when you LIKE your extended family, and way not worth it when you genuinely dislike your extended family.

Is it any wonder that there are more suicide attempts on Christmas Day than any other day of the year? (I would have thought homicide would be right up there, too, but apparently not.)

There were a few years there where I dreaded Christmas. Hated it. Not everything above applied, but enough of it to make the season a bit unbearable. Too much money, too many people, not enough time... I am in the 'don't really know or like my extended family much' category. With a blended family, there's an extra layer of whooha to deal with, too, splitting the holidays up, delivering kids all over the place, trying to coordinate schedules. Nightmare. So for several years now, to minimize stress and maximize enjoyment for us, we have had some modicum of success with these methods and mechanisms. Here's what they are:

Try this: If you have kids 8 or 9 and under, and want to make things more amusing for yourself, give your kids a list of people to buy for and let them loose in any Dollar Store with a $10 bill. Do it on Christmas Eve eve (December 23rd), and make sure it's close to closing time and packed wall to wall with about a million people. Don't try and guide the children's purchases - they'll do just great all by themselves. Cheap entertainment for you the parents, and WAY better gifts than whatever you could pick out on your kids' behalf... Last year it really put me in the holiday spirit to help my 3 year old wrap up 'Happy New Years!" napkins for her Uncle Andreas while our 6 year old put a water spritzer in a gift bag along with some hair clips and a scented candle for her Mom, and I guarantee you'll feel good, too.

I avoid going anywhere except maybe the toboggan hill and the liquor store between December 24th and December 26th. Please don't be hurt if I turn down the invitation to have cocktails on any of those three days. I also very likely may not answer my phone during that time period. Yes, I *am* ignoring you. If by the 23rd you didn't get invited over for Christmas, rest assured - I didn't forget you, I just didn't want you coming over. (Note: since I stopped inviting over the extended family I didn't really don't get along with very well, Christmas has been MUCH more pleasant.)

Christmas Eve is for slacking off. It usually involves some kind of hot drinks with liqueur in it, and watching the Bokeh of the Christmas lights increase with each subsequent drink. There may be a bit of last-minute gift wrapping, and probably a game of Scrabble or Backgammon. When my sister is in town, we often take a minute to lay under the tree. We slept under the tree as kids, hoping to catch Santa, and continued the tradition until a few years ago when we both decided our bodies were just too damned old and creaky to sleep on the floor under a frickin' Christmas tree. Now, we have an extra drink instead.

The children will be up at some nasty hour of the morning to open their gifts. If you insist that you must watch them open ALL their presents, you can find your way over at 6:30 a.m. because no, I am NOT making them wait until you roll out of bed at 10:30, shower, enjoy the hotel's complimentary Continental breakfast, and take a taxi over NOR am I asking them to shut up so you can stay sleeping if you happen to be unlucky enough to be staying with me.

The children will be (long) finished opening presents by 10:00 a.m. The children will likely be leaving for the other parents' places around that time. You, however, are welcome to stay and have some orange juice and sausages and visit, or you can leave to go other places, too. We will be watching movies, reading books, playing with puzzles, eating chocolates, basting the bird, and more or less slacking off until dinner is served anytime between 2pm and 10pm, depending how big the bird is, because I don't love any of you enough to bathe, manhandle and violate a cold stinky turkey carcass at 4:00 a.m. ever again. If this causes a conflict with some other dinner you need to attend, I won't be offended if you can't stay long enough or won't be back early enough or don't have room in your belly to have bird with us.

If you miss the children opening gifts altogether, you can come back later, or leave your gift, or come back on the 27th or January 9th or whatever - they honestly are never disappointed you didn't make it over on Christmas Morning. If you had a 'Santa' present for them, remember that kids are gullible - just tell them Santa must have been tired and accidentally delivered it to your house. They'll never know the difference. (Ditto the easter bunny, tooth fairy, and great pumpkin....)

Boxing Day is for slacking off. The most energy I like to expend on Boxing Day is walking the bag of wrapping paper to the curb, and frying up leftover turkey and stuffing for a sandwich. If the weather is nice, we might hit the toboggan hill, but never the mall. I'd rather rip my own arms off and beat myself with the soggy ends than go anywhere near a shopping centre, mall, or outlet store on Boxing Day. Try slacking off on Boxing Day. It rounds out slacking off on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day nicely.

Since letting go of the time and date schedules, and kind of 'dropping out' to do our own family thing, Christmas has actually been pretty casual and mellow and enjoyable. Tonight I have a few deliveries to do, but when I get home I imagine I'll be spending the bulk of my time cleaning the house up in preparation for a) decorating the tree on Friday and b) the 3-day slack-off that arrives in just 7 sleeps.

Happy Holidays!!!

Comments

alphonsedamoose said…
MERRY CHRISTMAS HOPE. I am doing the elf dance just for you. LOL
Ha ha ha ! I LOVE YOU !!

A woman after my own heart ! You rock !
Big heavy hugs to you Hope. Happy holidays and enjoy your slacking off (I know I enjoy mine LOL).

This will be the first Christmas since 2000 that we're not hosting family from BC. I SO look forward to just a small meal with my 3 boys/men/animals.
Cathy said…
You slacker!! lol! Great post.

And, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the dollar store idea!
ticblog said…
Cathy - if you do decide to do the Dollar Store thing, bring a cup of coffee, and your video camera. Last year was our first year doing it, and I think it's become the new Christmas tradition, since sleeping under the tree is out lol...

I'm feeling less and less Grinch-y already, just thinking about it. I think we'll go on Friday night, as a birthday present to me. Everyone is invited. Party at the dollar store!!!! lol
shutterbug said…
haha

Happy Holidays Hope!!

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